Do you know what’s been on my mind lately?
THIS:
And THEM:
I must preface this post with a warning: that today I’m shying away from the standard blog posts you typically see here of: “I need more sugar!” and “my kids are so cute because…” and in so doing may end up slicing through the thick, protective surface behind which I hide levels of emotions and personal reality.
I’m reluctant because of skeptics and judging. The first time I stepped out of my sheltered shell and wrote a post exposing some feelings, it was criticized. But, since then, I’ve come to grips that everyone is entitled to an opinion, whether they share it or not, whether positive or not. That’s a risk I’m willing to take.
Because of an event that took place two years ago, our family has been divided. Literally: homes, assets, money, and time with our girls.
I grieved for a time for specific reasons, which seemed justifiable and obvious at the time. Soon, after some time, my personal grief subsided, my independence sustained, and my self-esteem strengthened.
What I feel now is the grief that comes from the consequences of a divided life:
* Missing out on spending some holidays, milestones, and events with my girls.
* Being alone at night, looking up at the ceiling, and just hoping they’re safe, and happy.
* Listening to them sob on the other end of the phone and not being able to put my arms around them in a tight embrace, kiss them on the cheek and promise them that everything will be OK.
* Searching for the perfect answers when my little ones ask, “why can’t I come home with you?” or “why can’t you come with us?”
* Not being able to fulfill my eternal and God-given role as a mother 100% of the time.
The longer periods of time without them are the hardest. Thank goodness for loving family and friends who keep my mind involved, and my body moving, or I’d be in the corner of an empty home, in the fetal position, sucking on C8’s favorite blankie, or Ad’s baby doll. (Did I say that out loud?)
Throughout these past couple of years, experiencing peaks and valleys of emotions, I have always found comfort in the words of this General Conference talk given by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin. “Come What May, and Love It”.
And then I’m reminded of how good I have it (especially in comparison to other tragedies):
I do get to see my girls, and hold them, and laugh with them, and dance with them, and clean up after them, and correct them, and teach them, and love them.
And I’m still their Mommy. And always will be.
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
I love that last message from Elder Wirthlin. Such a wonderful message. Thank you for sharing.
Camille, you’re awesome. Beautiful post. Your strength and resilience never cease to amaze me. Call me any time you find yourself ready to crawl into the fetal position. I’m happy to crawl in there with you OR take you out for a sweet treat (i.e., cheap therapy). Love you!
Great words of encouragement from Elder Worthlin. I love you, Camille.
I don’t know you much before a few months ago, but I do know that I think you are one of the most amazing, kind and caring people I’ve ever met.
Thanks for sharing the inspirational clips and your heart.
I love you.
Beautiful post, Camille. Love both inspirational talks from the GAs. I know it’s been hard for you the past 7 years but I see your growth, the light in your eyes, the Camille we always knew has emerged again. It would have been nice if things worked out differently for everybody involved, but we do our best with what we’ve been given. Hang in there, just a few more days, and those beautiful girls will be back!
I think you are always able to fulfill that role as a mother, whether you are physically with them or not. They know you love them and are always there for them.
I know how you feel, but always remember your kids will always remember what you had done, as my children are adults know they tell me about what they remember or what I had thought them threw the years and it is a very good feeling Hang in there you are a very strong person Love Nancy C.
Always feel free to share – feelings, inspiration, emotions… all of it. That’s waht we love about you!
((HUGS)) Camille,
I’m starting the beginnings of these experiences and it isn’t fun at all. I hope time flies and they’re home soon.
Oh Camille, this is a beautiful post. (And so was the other one). Thanks for being brave enough to speak what is on your mind and in your heart!
I don’t know anyone who doesn’t love that talk. Bless Elder Wirthlin. I miss him.
You are a rock star and your girls know it.
Every minute counts, even the ones you spend missing them.
I read this last night, and after leaving my daughter crying in the window yesterday…this hit too close to home.
I share your pain. I am glad that I am not alone in this motherhood/working mom stuff.
Loves.
You are a strong woman Camille and I look up to you so much! Thank you for sharing. It helps me remember how lucky I have been and not to take that for granted!
I’m so happy you posted this! It’s kind of ironic because earlier today I was thinking about a lot of things Church-related and how relegated to second class citizen status you can feel if your life isn’t the sterotypical active family. I thought about the ways in which I feel like a ’second class’ member because my spouse is not fully active. Then I thought about all the other members in the same ‘non-typical’ boat and decided it’s totally okay to be a ‘B’ lister. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I needed to see the video today and hear from someone else whose life doesn’t fit the mold but is finding joy anyway. Thanks!
Mucas gracias Camille,por compartir esto tan hermoso! yo estoy segura que tu eres una madre magnifica. Te quiero Mucho!
Camille…I had no idea what you have been going through. I needed to read these words tonight. Thanks so much for having the courage to share your thoughts. ~Diana
3 more days right? I can’t wait for you
I love that talk. It’s so inspiring.
You’re a great mom! You do the best with the circumstances that you’ve been put in. That’s really the best that any of us can hope for….that our children will grow up knowing how much they are loved and that we did our best whatever our situation is.
I hope you’re getting to enjoy your girls right this very second! ;o)
I’m at the beginning of all of these same feelings with my recent divorce, but I can see that it doesn’t really get easier with time. Maybe some things do, but others don’t. I know your children know and will only know more and more what a wonderful mother you are and how much you love them and sacrifice for them!